Reflections from a Sappy Momma
As I look at the calendar creeping closer to our babies turning 1 and 3, I am filled with relief, happiness, a touch of longing, and joy.
I've always been up for an adventure. I've never hesitated to share a hotel room with a stranger in unforeseen circumstances, hitchhike through the Tetons, or set sail on a vintage catamaran that ultimately sank and left us floating in the ocean. None of those adventures were as scary or joyous as raising these two tiny people. There hasn't been an adventure that has filled my soul as completely or taught me more then the past 3 years of motherhood. As I look into their faces I am thankful, I am in awe, I am humbled. Out of all the countries and unique places I have visited, I have never seen a site more beautiful then staring into the eyes of our children.
The day Paisley was born (despite being mildly goofy from the medicine and the passing of 3 years) I can remember exactly how I felt as I looked at his face. I was so proud of this miracle Scott and I had created. I felt so much relief that he was healthy. Laying in the hospital holding him was one of the most peaceful moments of my life. I could have remained in that moment forever.
The day Lila was born was easier because I knew exactly what to expect. As they laid her across my chest, I was flooded with the same feelings of love and peacefulness that I felt with Paisley. Once I had my son cuddled up next to me in the hospital bed and Lila in my arms, my life was complete. Holding our 2 beautiful healthy children felt like the equivalent of running a marathon and getting the gold medal. The difficult part was over.
I was ready to leave the hospital quicker with our daughter then I was with our son because I was ready for the 4 of us to be home together. Those first few weeks being at home as a family of 4 was harder than I ever anticipated. I would put Paisley to sleep, scoop Lila in my arms and cry my eyes out as I rocked her to sleep. I worried that Paisley would resent us for not letting him be an only child. I worried that I wouldn't be good at splitting my love between 2 tiny children. I worried that the amount of worrying I was doing was unhealthy. Those nights were the hardest part of having these babies.
As can be expected, time passed and those awful hormones released the death grip they had on my heart. My nights were no longer filled with tears, but with the bleariness of an infant that wouldn't sleep through the night and a toddler that ran full throttle all day. I was exhausted, but also full. I knew the nights our daughter needed me during the twilight hours were few. The stillness of our house, the moon passing through the cracks of her blinds, the warmth and softness of her face pressed against me were moments that I let soak into my soul. Yes I grumbled occasionally about the lack of sleep, but those moments were far more precious then sleep.
Introducing Paisley to Lila was wonderful and hard. He wasn't quite 2 and not able to voice his thoughts. Did he worry we were replacing him or that he wasn't enough? Did he understand his Mommas heart had more then enough room in it to go around? He went through various stages of ignoring her, to being curious about her, to flat out annoying her. As they've gotten older, they are starting to enjoy one another. Their relationship makes my heart smile. They know how to get under the others skin and yet I'll catch them snuggle up with one another and explode into a fit of giggles.
I would love to have a 3rd. I loved seeing the positive pregnancy test, knowing that nothing short of a miracle was forming inside my body. I loved feeling the movement, the hiccups, the excitement of giving birth and growing our family. Of course there are the laundry list of things that were less lovely, those less desirable parts of pregnancy fade quickly with the passing of time.
As I tuck our children in bed, I smile knowing I am doing exactly what I was made to be doing. It is my job to raise these little people to be the best people they can be, and while each day isn't easy, each day is worth it.
Like this blog, leave a comment! Feedback makes me happy! :)
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| August 2013 |
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| August 2014 |
The day Paisley was born (despite being mildly goofy from the medicine and the passing of 3 years) I can remember exactly how I felt as I looked at his face. I was so proud of this miracle Scott and I had created. I felt so much relief that he was healthy. Laying in the hospital holding him was one of the most peaceful moments of my life. I could have remained in that moment forever.
The day Lila was born was easier because I knew exactly what to expect. As they laid her across my chest, I was flooded with the same feelings of love and peacefulness that I felt with Paisley. Once I had my son cuddled up next to me in the hospital bed and Lila in my arms, my life was complete. Holding our 2 beautiful healthy children felt like the equivalent of running a marathon and getting the gold medal. The difficult part was over.
I was ready to leave the hospital quicker with our daughter then I was with our son because I was ready for the 4 of us to be home together. Those first few weeks being at home as a family of 4 was harder than I ever anticipated. I would put Paisley to sleep, scoop Lila in my arms and cry my eyes out as I rocked her to sleep. I worried that Paisley would resent us for not letting him be an only child. I worried that I wouldn't be good at splitting my love between 2 tiny children. I worried that the amount of worrying I was doing was unhealthy. Those nights were the hardest part of having these babies. As can be expected, time passed and those awful hormones released the death grip they had on my heart. My nights were no longer filled with tears, but with the bleariness of an infant that wouldn't sleep through the night and a toddler that ran full throttle all day. I was exhausted, but also full. I knew the nights our daughter needed me during the twilight hours were few. The stillness of our house, the moon passing through the cracks of her blinds, the warmth and softness of her face pressed against me were moments that I let soak into my soul. Yes I grumbled occasionally about the lack of sleep, but those moments were far more precious then sleep.
Introducing Paisley to Lila was wonderful and hard. He wasn't quite 2 and not able to voice his thoughts. Did he worry we were replacing him or that he wasn't enough? Did he understand his Mommas heart had more then enough room in it to go around? He went through various stages of ignoring her, to being curious about her, to flat out annoying her. As they've gotten older, they are starting to enjoy one another. Their relationship makes my heart smile. They know how to get under the others skin and yet I'll catch them snuggle up with one another and explode into a fit of giggles.
I would love to have a 3rd. I loved seeing the positive pregnancy test, knowing that nothing short of a miracle was forming inside my body. I loved feeling the movement, the hiccups, the excitement of giving birth and growing our family. Of course there are the laundry list of things that were less lovely, those less desirable parts of pregnancy fade quickly with the passing of time.
As I tuck our children in bed, I smile knowing I am doing exactly what I was made to be doing. It is my job to raise these little people to be the best people they can be, and while each day isn't easy, each day is worth it.
Like this blog, leave a comment! Feedback makes me happy! :)
I loved this post! You write so poetically :) I also loved all the parts of pregnancy you highlighted. Makes me want more babies!
ReplyDeleteThank you Haley!!! I love to write and these babies are my favorite topic to write about. :) Thank you for your sweet message. More babies sounds like a great idea! :)))
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