Friday, February 20, 2015

Hard is Hard

"You can do hard things."

A little rainbow baby
It's such a simple phrase that I heard while I was pregnant with Paisley.  We were roughly 4 months past losing our honeymoon baby and here we were expecting.  Could we go through the worst case scenario again?  Were we mentally ready to handle this?  We wanted so desperately to be excited and dream about the little person I was carrying, but we knew the possibility of this dream being shattered like fine china falling onto a tile floor.  The reality of everything was hard.

Mid-way through the pregnancy is when we received the diagnosis of vasa previa, 100% fatal if not caught before birth.  It was a hard diagnosis to hear, but we caught it.  We were prepared.  We were armed with information and a plan.  It was hard to take it all in, but someone said, "You can do hard things."  With that mind-set we continued on.

While my pregnancy continued I had a conversation with a close friend that is struggling with infertility.  She made the comment, "I don't know which is harder, not being able to get pregnant or losing a baby?"  I thought about that comment a lot.  To me, I will never know what it's like to struggle conceiving, but I know what it's like to lose a child.  You can't compare the answer is...they are both hard.  They both suck.  But you can't compare them.  Hard is hard.

As I went on bed rest in the hospital and lived in my tiny room, the doctors and nurses often asked how I was able to remain upbeat and positive.  It's because I can do hard things.  Because I had lost a child and survived.  Because I was going to bring this child into the world if it killed me.  And when the time came, it was scary.  It was hard.  But I can do hard things and we brought this boy into the world.
He's "perfect"
A couple weeks ago a friend was talking about her pregnancy.  Her fluid was low and the doctor was making a decision on when to take the baby.  As she spoke about the situation she said, "I know it isn't anything like what you went through...." and she trailed off.  I laughed and explained that "no, it wasn't like my situation, but that doesn't lessen the fact that it's hard to deal with."  Hard is hard.

Today I learned of a friend who just found out her baby had an abnormal MRI.  The brain shows signs of abnormalities.  I can't imagine the fear the parents are feeling.  It's going to be hard for them as they learn their new normal.  But, they are going to emerge from this diagnosis stronger then they ever imagined, because they can do hard things.  

Life is hard.  Hard is hard.  But you can do hard things.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

The Roadtrip Begins!

We can't forget her...
On Feb. 3 we began the long drive from Indiana to Colorado.  The vehicle was loaded with the Fish4 and the Nana.  We also hauled our smoker out there, a decision my husband solely made.  We had bags of snacks, toys, movies, and anything else we could think of that could possibly entertain the smallest of travelers.  

We began our journey at 5:50pm.  The following are the hours that followed:

5:57pm - "Mom I need a snack." - Paisley

6:20pm - Lila begins screaming "Out!" from her carseat.

6:45pm - Paisley falls asleep.

6:55pm - Lila screams and wakes Paisley up.  They both begin fussing.  Scott puts on his noise canceling headphones.

7:00pm - Nana begins passing out snacks. 
On the road
7:15pm - I am positive I didn't turn off the crockpot.

7:38pm - After watching me chew off 3 Jamberrys worrying about the crockpot, Scott promises that HE turned off the crockpot.  I don't believe him.  

7:50pm - Pass a sign for Ferguson, MO.  I feel Scott push the gas a little harder to get us out of there. No rioters to be seen.

8:15pm - Both kids are sleeping despite Nana snoring like a freight train from the backseat.  

8:45pm - Really happy I wore my Columbia fleece turtle neck.  I'm cozy.  

9:17pm - Paisley wakes up screaming which wakes up Lila.  They scream in unison for the next 20 minutes.

9:30pm - Scott smiles at me beneath his noise canceling headphones and says "13 hours to go!"  He obviously can't hear the chorus of meltdowns happening behind us.  

9:45-10:45pm - A Boppy pillow is great to sleep with while traveling! I caught a few zzzz's.  

11:30pm - Stopped to get gas.  Both kids are awake and happy to get out of the car.  Lila was NOT happy when I tried to put her back in her carseat.  
She didn't want to move back to her seat
11:45pm - Giving up on the kids sleeping.  Putting in a movie.  Everyone is happy. 

12:30am - Pulling in to a hotel in Kansas.  Everyone quickly crashes. 

4:00am - Fire alarm goes off for the next 45 minutes.  I want to cry.  And sleep.

5:45am - Ate breakfast and back on the road.  Surprisingly the kids are in excellent moods.  

7:20am - Nana has distributed a round of snacks and we are on our 2nd Thomas dvd.  Scott needed a break so I'm taking over the wheel.  It's cold...and windy. 
Driver switcher-roo
8:45am - Getting gas somewhere in Kansas.  The wind is ridiculous and I'm hoping the smoker we are diving cross country doesn't blow off.  The lady at the gas station said the snow is coming.  Great. Snow + Wind = Yikes

9:10am - Captain Scott is back at the wheel wearing his Bose headphones.  I guess he didn't realize he was talking louder then necessary because he yelled "It's going to be a mess in Colorado." Referring to the looming snowstorm ahead of us.  Paisley asked Nana, "Why is Daddy yelling?"

9:28am- Frozen precipitation now covering the windshield and I've hit bottom (of my coffee cup).  
The little guy in the 3rd row has stated "I don't like being back here.  I feel lonely."  

10:00am - Ice has covered the windows and Scott has jacked the heat up to 88.  My cozy fleece is no longer cozy.  I'm roasting.  

10:40am - The ice storm has passed and Scott has dropped the temperature inside the car.  The sweat previously formed on my body has now turned to ice.  I feel like the subject of a hot/cold experiment.  On the bright side, the baby is sleeping and Paisley is playing quietly.  I sort of feel like this is the calm before the storm, literally.  

11:16am - Can a 3yr old pee in a milk jug while traveling down I-70?  Yes he can.  When you have to go and there isn't a gas station nearby, you make it work.  

*Sidenote-The hotel refunded us $12 for the 4am "disturbance."  I would have felt better if the front desk guy would have kept the $12 and let me punch him in the face.  #dontwakemybabies

11:20am - Blowing snow flurries and a warm 18 degrees outside.  I'm not even worried about the grapes smooshed into the carseats at this point. 

12:16pm - We aren't in Kansas anymore!  Just finished lunch at a restaurant.  Upon leaving we notice a sign on the wall that said "Do not drink the water if you are trying to become pregnant, are pregnant or breastfeeding."  I'm not sure what's wrong with the water but I'm now wishing I had ordered something else to drink.  If I turn into a unicorn, blame it on the water.  

1:43pm - Weather hasn't been as bad as expected but enough to slow us down.  I'm in the mountains so I can't complain.  

"Nana Snack." - Lila
"Ok Lila, let me find the snacks."  - Nana
*Screams like a wounded owl* - Lila
"Nana I need a book." - Paisley
"Paisley (sigh) hold on, I'm getting Lila a snack." - Nana
"Are you mad Nana?" - Paisley
Top of the pass
2:53pm - Meltdown in progress (Lila) because the moon isn't out.

2:23pm - When the driver tells you visibility is getting bad and if he smoked, he would light a cigarette, it's best to watch the movie with the kids and not pay attention to the scene unfolding outside.

*We have had a time change, hence the order of time sequence not making sense.  In other news I-70 has been shut down so we have rerouted to a smaller non-shutdown road. 

2:28pm - My husband just taught me the windshield wipers have a deicer in them.  My car enthusiast husband loves teaching me cool car things.

And then we arrived!!! Despite crying, tantrums, fire alarms and closed roads, it was a pretty good trip!  To be continued...  

Home sweet (temporary) home