Post Pregnancy = Lullabies and Hormones

My babies

Paisley arrived home a few hours after we got home from the hospital.  He was happy to be reunited with his toys and thrilled to have his daddy's undivided attention while I nursed Lila.  Every so often he walked over to me and asked for a "huggy" while scoping out the newest member of the family.  I loved having both of them in my arms.

While Paisley was at his grammies, I couldn't go in his room.  It felt to empty and quiet.  Dang hormones.  Once he was home I felt better going into his room but I didn't like being in the back of the house.  It felt dark and far away from everything.  I wanted the 4 of us in the living room with the TV on and sun streaming in the windows.  As long as this scenario was happening, I (my hormones) was fine.

Getting familiar with her new home

As night fell and it was time for Paisley to go to bed, this is where I started to lose my composure.  Scott took Lila (I think it was the first time she was out of my arms since we arrived home) while I brushed Paisley's teeth and dressed him in his dinosaur jammies.  He seemed so much bigger and stronger than what I remembered.  No longer was he a tiny baby in my mind, but suddenly this boy.  This realization stung as my baby suddenly seemed so grown up.

He asked me to rock him which I happily agreed to.  I wrapped him in his blanket and started singing him Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.  My heart was so happy that I was holding our boy, but I couldn't help the emotions that started escaping from my tear ducts.  I felt guilty.  I felt as though I had some how hurt our boy by not allowing him to be an only sibling (*Note, this is hormones and I could recognize that my hormones were making me think this.  Still, it sucked).  I felt that he would think he wasn't good enough so we had to have another child (see, hormones make you crazy).  It was such an overwhelming sense of guilt that I probably squeezed and kissed him so much that he was relieved when I put him in his crib.

My big boy

Scott could tell I had been crying and immediately became concerned.  I had to laugh because I knew my feelings were ridiculous, but it did feel good talking about it.  He assured me giving Paisley a sibling was one of the best things we could ever do for him. It felt great crawling into our own bed that night and I had forgotten how sweet the sounds of a sleeping infant are.  Lila was asleep in the pak-n-play next to my side of the bed.  She woke up 3 times throughout the night to eat which was expected.  I had forgotten how difficult it is to change a dirty diaper in a dimly lit room while half asleep, but we managed.

Nights were the hardest as even though Scott was next to me in bed, sitting up and feeding our daughter while half asleep, it was so quiet and I was alone with my thoughts and a very hungry infant.  I missed the hospital staff, I missed having visitors pop in to say "hi" and meet our daughter, I missed my family.  As crazy as it sounds, I wanted to be back in the hospital with the hustle and bustle of it all. I didn't experience the crazy dreams of losing Lila in the sheets of our bed like I did with Paisley, but I would wake to the sound of her crying and find myself covered in sweat and damp clothing.  That was an awful to way to wake up and only made my desire of normalcy even stronger.

Success can some days be described as having both children in clean clothes with full tummies

It took about 5 or so days for my hormones to allow the box of tissues to go back into the hall closet and for me to be able to sing Paisley to sleep without showering him in tears.   My last surge of tears came the night before Scott returned to work.  After having a little over a week off, I had gotten used to having him around.  In a joking manner he said, "I bet you are ready for me to go back to work tomorrow."  I immediately burst into tears (of course, why wouldn't I) and went into a dialog about how much I've loved having him around and that I just loved spending time with him and our kids and I was going to miss him so much.  Needless to say, he didn't make any more comments about returning to work and he was happy when non-emotional Kara was back for good.

I internally freaked out a little bit the following day as Scott drove down the driveway and I realized I was alone with 2 kids for the first time ever.  I had never even babysat a toddler and infant before, so this was literally my first rodeo.  I was a little nervous at first, then figured I could handle it.  Naturally the day went fine and we all survived.

Loves of my life

I had put off unpacking my hospital bag because I didn't want to admit that phase of my life (the birth-giving/hospital-staying phase) was over.  As my mental state returned to normal, I unpacked the bag and got caught up on laundry.  Although I do admit I put my hospital pajamas on as soon as they were clean and dry.

A few other things I want to take note of;
-I was extremely happy to learn that it is possible to love your second born as much as you love your first
-A shower and clean clothes can make any day better
-Two babies and zero stretch marks  (Thank the LORD)
-It took 4 weeks post delivery for the swelling in my fingers to go down and my wedding ring to fit
-Having an infant and a toddler, someone is always hungry, going to the bathroom, or just needing a hug
-Cleaning the maternity clothes out of my closet and making room for my normal clothes felt good
-Being a mom to these two little people is the most tiring, hard, messy and most rewarding thing I've ever experienced.  While every second is not easy or always enjoyable, I am thankful for each one of them.

Finding my new normal

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